Tales of an Egotistical Moron
by common ravenclaw
Summary: Just a few stories about what happens when James tries to ask Lily out. Warning:includes James attempting to sing. Reviews are appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I've been reading James and Lily stories for years but have never written one. These will just be a bunch of short chapters showing the very creative ways in which James asks Lily out. Oh, and I own nothing. (Which is probably for the better). Reviews are much appreciated**.

"C'mon Evans! You can't deny the fact that you want to go to Hogsmeade with me! Deep down, you're pining away for me.

"Must be very deep down," muttered Sirius, who was sitting next to Potter in the Great Hall.

"Potter, leave me alone. Take my word when I say that _no_ part of me is, as you say, pining for you. "My teeth clenched as I said this.

"Believe me, you are! You just…um, don't know it yet?" Wow. Even Potter knew that what he said didn't make sense.

I sighed. I didn't have to put up with this. "Goodbye, Potter," I growled as I began to turn my heels away from the direction of the Great Hall. As I started walking, I heard that awful voice again. Life just isn't fair.

"I wrote you a song!"

Okay, I stopped walking. As much as I disliked him, I was now curious. I turned to face him and Potter abruptly began to sing.

"Lily, she's so beautiful and kind

And after I sing this song I know she'll be mine

And Lily she's so, uh, cool

She does, um, really well in school

Lily she's sweet

And, er, her handwriting is neat

Lily she's so pretty

Um, she likes dogs better than kitties

Oh, and she doesn't live in Chile."

You know what the saddest part of all of this was? Potter actually looked proud of himself. That idiot really thought that I had liked that poem!

"Potter?"

"Yes, Pumpkin?"

"Don't ever sing to me again!"

The jerkface seemed unfazed. "No problem, I'll just rap it instead."

Oh dear lord. I didn't know who I wanted to hurt more-Potter or Black, who was still laughing from Potter's song. Taking another deep breath, I began to walk away from him…again.

"It's okay! You don't have to listen to me sing you songs. I can just make a big poetry book. You know, just a little gift between two lovers."

I'm not his lover! How dare he? I should really start walking faster…we were getting some weird looks. The only thing that was making me feel better right now was thinking of what I would do if he really did give me a poetry book. I was torn between tossing it into the Great Lake or giving it to Professor McGonagall and telling her that James was thinking of her when he wrote it. Or…give it to his fan club so they'll never leave him alone. Don't ask me how somebody like him even has a fan club. I mean, so what if his eyes are all hazel-y? He's still a toerag who smirks and fixes his odd excuse for hair every two seconds. (Honestly, it resembled a sad mop). I was far enough from the Great Hall by now, but I still managed to hear Potter scream one more thing:

"Believe me Pumpkin, one day you will be Mrs. Potter!"

Yuck. Me and him? Married? This boy was seriously delusional.


	2. Cinnamon Buns

A/N- Okay, so thanks to everybody who put me on their alert list! Do you see that pretty button that says _review this chapter?_ Click on it!

"Um, Lily? You might want to wake up."

Still tired, I opened my eyes a little to see a nervous-looking Alice.

I sat up straight. "Alice, what's wrong?"

Silently, she handed me a piece of parchment. It had a crudely drawn picture of me and Potter. Seriously? What was he up to now? Almost afraid, I continued to look at the parchment.

Come one and all! Director James Potter has done it again. Come next Saturday to watch _Madly in Love (_based on a true story)! Tickets are free- you won't want to miss the infamous love story of the spunky redhead and the charming quidditch star.

I looked up at Alice, unsure of what to say. I mean, I had just rejected him a week ago! Did he really think that I would watch a play that was based on our "love" story?

"That's not all," said Alice grimly.

I groaned. What else could Potter have done?

"Turn the paper over. The cast is listed on the back."

Ugh. I wondered which one of Potter's fangirls was going to play me.

Casting

James Potter….James Potter

Lily Evans…..Remus Lupin

Sirius Black…Peter Pettigrew

"My character is being played by Remus? What-how does that even make sense? People aren't going to actually see this!"

Alice bit her lip. That was never a good sign. "Actually, everyone is talking about it. Potter handed out these fliers to pretty much everyone but the Slytherins. "

That nitwit! Well, I wasn't going to let this happen. I wouldn't let Potter humiliate me in front of the entire school. Quickly, I got ready and headed down to the Great Hall.

"Good morning, cinnamon bun!"

It's funny how I didn't even have to turn around to see whose mouth that came from. Who else would have the nerve to call me that? Grr, I would never be able to look at cinnamon buns the same way.

"Potter, what is this?" I waved the _Madly in Love _flyer in his face.

"Glad to see you're excited about this, cinnamon bun! Putting on a play is a lot of work, but you're worth it."

Could he get any cheesier? Knowing him…probably.

"But you have Remus playing ME! What are you going to do- charm his hair and make him scream at you throughout the entire play?"

I heard him mutter something like "that was the plan," but decided to ignore it.

Frustrated, I grabbed the nearest thing from the breakfast table (which happened to be a cinnamon bun. Ironic,huh?) and smeared it on Potter's face.

Funnily enough, Remus walked into the Great Hall at the same moment. He looked from Potter, to the cinnamon bun, to me, with a confused look on his face.

"Hello, Lily," I said, sarcastically.

"What?" Poor Remus. He looked even more confused. It suddenly occurred to me that he had been sick the day before and probably just woke up. Maybe he hadn't seen the flyers yet?

"Here." I handed him the casting list.

It was kind of fun watching Remus's face as it sunk in. "James," he said slowly, "what is this?"

"It's a play, dear friend! C'mon, you know you can't be annoyed with me for trying to impress Lily."

Once again, he thought a stupid idea would "impress me." Silly Potter. Before Remus could respond, Black walked into the Great Hall.

"Prongs, what is wrong with you?"

Finally, someone else who agreed that this play was ridiculous!

"Really," Black continued, "I'm irreplaceable. Peter just won't do my character justice."

Okay…so maybe he didn't exactly agree with me. But at least we both didn't like the play!

"Well, I would've cast you, but you were snogging Maria. And…every great love story needs a wingman!" It was very hard to take Potter seriously when he still had the icing from the cinnamon bun all over his face.

As if this wasn't entertaining enough, Professor Dumbledore started walking our way. Thank goodness. At least _he _would tell Potter to leave me alone.

"James, I see you're putting on a play," said Dumbledore, his blue eyes shining. "Well, I've always enjoyed theatre. Is it, if you don't mind me asking, a musical?"

"Not exactly, but it might include a song or two. "

Really Potter? Haven't we all learned by now that you can't sing?

"Then I look forward to seeing it." Professor Dumbledore smiled fondly at James before walking away.

I guess this play really was happening. Poor me.

…Poor Remus.

A/N- Reviews are welcome! The play will probably take place in the next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N- Thanks again to everybody who put me on their alert list! Please review…reviews make me happier than a 5 year old with a new pack of crayons.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?"

Okay, Alice is a smart girl, but sometimes the questions she asks make me question her sanity.

"Of course I don't want to go! I'd rather not be humiliated in front of the entire school by Potter…again. Besides, it's not like anything James thought of could possibly be any good."

Alice raised her eyebrows. "Did you just say _James_?"

Crap. She'd never let me live this down. "It was a slip of tongue. The point is I'm not going to this play!"

"But Lily, when everybody is talking about this play tomorrow, wouldn't you at least wonder how lame it was?"

She had a point. Plus, I was kind of curious to see what Remus would look like with red hair. If there was one thing I knew about James…I mean Potter, is that he goes all out.

"Alice, you're right. You should get some breakfast- I'll be down in a few minutes."

Nodding, Alice left the room. What did I just agree to? Why couldn't Potter just take a hint and bother someone else? This was all Dumbledore's fault! If he hadn't encouraged Potter, then this stupid play would be forgotten about by now. Even worse, I was not in the mood to get stared at by everybody who had seen those ridiculous flyers. My day was going to be just fabulous.

I kept mumbling about how much I hated Potter on my way to the Great Hall, when I heard my name. No, it wasn't Potter (thank goodness).

"Hey Lily, how are you?"

As usual, Remus Lupin looked tired and overwhelmed. I always wondered what this boy could possibly be doing that made him so exhausted.

"Oh, just the usual. You know, Potter has a plan to embarrass me and I have plans to yell at him, nothing new."

Remus smiled. "So, I'm guessing you're not coming to see the play?"

"I am, actually. I'll admit I'm kind of curious to see how well you will _portray _my character."

"Wow," chuckled Remus, "I almost forgot about that part. How do I get involved in this stuff?"

"That's your punishment for being friends with James," I grumbled.

"James?"

Again? What was wrong with me today?

"You know what I meant, Remus."

"And now, presenting a James Potter production. This play was produced by James Potter, directed by James Potter, and edited by…Remus Lupin."

I'd only been here for two minutes and this play was already a waste of time.

"Alice, I think I'm going to le-"

"No, you won't! This guy put on an entire play for you. At least stay for a little."

As the curtains opened, I promised myself that if things got too horrible after the first 20 minutes, I would just get up and leave.

"C'mon Lils," said Potter. (He looked _way_ too happy on stage).

My eyes were NOT prepared for what they saw. Poor Remus was forced to wear a dress that was two sizes small for him and his hair was charmed a bright red. Did my hair really always look like that?

"No Potter! I will not go out with you. You're an insufferable jerk who needs to grow up."

Hmm. This play wasn't half bad.

"Really pumpkin? I _know _you have a soft spot for me!"

Wanna know the gross part? Half the girls in our grade actually sighed when he said that.

"Goodbye, Potter," said Remus.

As much as I loved Remus, he did a terrible job of imitating me. He made me sound…stubborn!

"Wait, cuddle cakes! I wrote you another song!"

Oh no. Oh, please no. I covered my ears in preparation.

"This is the Lily song

She won't admit she's loved me all along

She thinks I'm always wrong

We just totally belong

When we get married we'll play, uh, ping pong

And our doorbell will, er, ring ding dong

No, I don't own a gong

This is the Lily song!"

Even though that song was worse than the last one, the crowd APPLAUDED. They actually thought he was cute! Okay, I couldn't take this anymore. Before I really knew what I was doing, I stood up.

"Potter, what are you doing? You can't sing, you can't put on a play, and Remus doesn't even deserve to be dressed like that."

His smile widened (if that was even possible) when he heard me.

"Enjoying the play little red bird? Actually, it's a good thing you're here. There's a Hogsmeade trip two weeks from now. What do you think?"

This boy was amazing. He had no shame! Asking me out when he knows that I'll only give him one answer. (Here's a hint; it doesn't begin with a y).

"I'll repeat what Remus said a couple minutes ago. Goodbye, James."

"Did you just call me James?"

Was my brain off duty today? WHY did I keep saying _James_?

"You know what I meant!" I argued.

"Yeah," Potter replied, "it means you're finally warming up to me! I knew this play idea would work! So, does this mean that we will be going to Hogsmeade together?"

"No Ja-Potter! Don't even bother asking me out again because my answer will never change!"

Even as I started to walk away, I began to wonder. Why couldn't I say Potter anymore?


End file.
